currently unloving.

i'm not particularly please with myself - my feelings and actions towards others - right now. it’s happened off and on throughout the weeks i’ve been here, and it feels like it’s out of my control, even though i know it's not.

i just don’t like people. i keep measuring up all the girls on the team, deciding which ones i like and which ones i don't...it's a different standard every day...that one's really not very pretty, not very intelligent, smacks her food when she’s chewing, looks at me too much, talks to me too much, very fake, doesn’t ever know what she’s talking about. i’m better. i’m better. i’m better.

what the hell…i’ve never, ever had this problem before. i’ve never had so much difficulty seeing people as human. this may be due to the fact that before now i’d always been willing to give my left arm for social acceptance and approval, so i never had a chance to really see the way people really are. or perhaps this is just normal as i’ve never had to spend this much time with 12 other girls – 12 other girls who are also more different from me than anyone i’ve ever spent this much time with. i wasn’t expecting this struggle...and it makes me miss home so much more.

i just don’t want people to talk to me, i don’t want them to look at me, i don’t want them to touch me or ask me if i’m okay…just leave me alone, alright?

this makes me feel ugly and unloving…like everything i’m completely against.

…and i’m having difficulty really caring about or being motivated to do anything. i have no desire to study developmental economics or the Rwandan genocide. i’ve been homesick since i got here and i’m waiting, waiting for this to be as magical as everyone said it would be.

adjusting the will, much less even changing the will, is a serious...well, seriously difficult...thing to mess with. but it can be done. it has to be done or else my entire mission of truth seeking and understanding is completely null and void. ah, but so hard...

what the freaking hell.