my night.

disclaimer: chase, in all my lack of discernment i may be wrong, but i didn't feel like this conversation was too personal to post...as i took up most of it. If you mind, let me know immediately :)

caitlin: baby, i just had my favorite night in africa, by far
chase: hey, tell me about it
caitlin: okay.
chase: (bear's whining, i need to take him out real quick)
caitlin: okay. i'll fill the time
caitlin: so it starts with me hanging out with paul. he's spent so long trying to tell me that he just wants to tell me his story so i can know him and his heart, which is kind of weird, but turned out to be amazing. paul is an incredible person and, though he has faults, i will try to never speak harshly of him again...he told me the story of what happened to him in the genocide
caitlin: his family was killed by their neighbors, their friends. they took him, they beat him, they cut his face up with these metal sheets (hence these scars he's got all over) and threw him down this big, well-like hole that they were using as a mass grave, i assume
caitlin: they left him for dead. he survived by standing out of the way of the other bodies that they threw down and stepping up on each one, until he reached the top of the hole and got out. holy shit.
chase: wow
caitlin: then he went back to his house (i think this is the chronology) and found his family dead. all of them. he found his mom and she was naked, so he went and put a blanket over her (i might have told you this already...) the woman who was with the people that killed his family came and stole this blanket
caitlin: paul later met this woman and forgave her, i think...told her who he was
chase: yeah, you did tell me that part
caitlin: after the genocide he was a street boy, an orphan...a compassion international rep. found him and got him set up for an education. he did really well, made a lot of friends, got great marks, etc...ended up befriend the son of the lady who owns the shop he works for...
caitlin: he currently lives in a little house where he supports another boy, some street kids, i think...and sometimes doesn't get paid by the shop owner, so he can't afford rent
caitlin: but he's so generous. he's always giving, always. and he's revolutionized the way i think about giving to street kids and beggars. he talks to them, he really talks to them. tries to figure out their story and why they're where they are. he's so passionate about helping people and loving people.
caitlin: he sees his life this way: God intentionally saved him, picked him to live and now he has a responsibility to help those around him, to understand people, why they do the things they do, forgive them and help them
caitlin: i've met no africans like this
caitlin: it's unfortunate that a lot of the cultural barriers and differences in feelings about relationships have made it awkward and difficult for me to want to be around him and spend time with him. he's constantly telling me how kind i am and how i've given him hope in people and how i am like a sister to him.
caitlin: and i don't deserve it at all...i've done nothing, except visit him every now and then and bring him some stuff to snack on and means to get home at night
caitlin: we met this family tonight (part 2 of the 3 part amazing night) that paul decided he was going to start helping them with food every week
chase: wow
chase: okay
chase: i can only imagine what else happens
caitlin: he makes 5 thousand frank ($10) a month working at the shop...he's going to give at least 1000 to them (per week, he says...i think he has another source of income, though not as much, he says he can hardly pay rent)
caitlin: i have never experienced a person so willing to give out of so limited means.
caitlin: it's amazing.
caitlin: and i've decided to send him support every month. $10-$15 will help him live. and i want to do this because i trust that he's going to do good with it, he's going to use it to help others...and i feel good about it because i've spent enough time with him, has seen the way he treats people and have seen the friends he makes, that i feel i can trust him.
chase: okay, that sounds great babe
caitlin: yeah
caitlin: so part II
caitlin: earlier today i went to deliver gifts that Travis gave me to give to the kids he fell in love with who live in little neighborhoods just below the guesthouse
caitlin: they were little toys and pencils and things...i had gone a couple weeks ago to deliver the letters he sent, and agreed to come back so they could give me a letter to give to Travis
caitlin: so i went earlier today, and it was weird...there were so many kids and i didn't know who was who and which kids were the ones Travis wanted to have the things, and i couldn't communicate because no one spoke in English
caitlin: English, not in English (sometimes i find myself speaking with an African accent...it's weird)
caitlin: so when i brought paul back to the guest house, we went down to the home of the people who knew Travis and i was actually able to communicate with them through Paul, it was awesome
caitlin: and i met Travis' favorite kids
caitlin: there is this one boy named Manuelli (i think that's how you spell it.) A couple days ago Anna told me that she had a photo of him and Travis framed for Travis' birthday and Travis just cried...said he would give anything to be with those kids
caitlin: and they are awesome.
caitlin: Manuelli is a little black Travis, haha.
chase: haha, cool
caitlin: but these kids and this family...they were so beautiful. they were my family. there was so much love, and it was completely comfortable. i did not feel the burden of cultural shit, did not feel weird. and i played with the kids and laughed and sang 'you are my sunshine' over and over
caitlin: and the mom, man. she just kept hugging me and telling me i was beautiful, but not in a weird way. she was like my african mom, haha.
(note: mom, she does not compare to you :):):):):))
chase: Okay
chase: (I have to go in 4 minutes)
caitlin: i can see why Travis loves this kids soooo much. they were so great. !!
caitlin: aw, shit.
caitlin: ...well. it was great. i felt so fulfilled.
caitlin: part 3 was just hanging out with Andy (mills) at a hotel restaurant and feeling completely comfortable with him, probably for the first time ever. felt completely myself, which was something i'd been praying for.
caitlin: tonight, i'm in love with Africa.
caitlin: that's all.

i'm so tired.

i walked a while with you this year
we walked around and faced your fears

i stumbled toward you this time
we made or vows, we picked our crimes

i faced the fires
we walked a while
we kissed the liars
we kissed the liars

oh no the frustrations of the end
oh oh the frustrations of the end
oh no the frustrations of the end
oh no the frustrations of the end
i'm so tired
and full of shit
i'm so tired
pull me out
i'm so tired

i stormed about with you again
and with opposition we fought another end again
another end again

i tasted fire
made the mire
and we freed the liars
we freed the liars

oh no the frustrations of the end
and oh no the frustrations of the end
oh oh the frustrations of the end
the frustrations of the end
i'm so tired
and full of shit
i'm so tired
pull me out
i'm so tired

i'm so tired
of limitations
all the fucking hungry faces,
all the fucking hungry faces

an oh oh the frustrations of the end
oh oh the frustrations of the end
oh oh the frustrations of the end
oh the frustrations of the end

i'm so tired

stay put.

buechner gives peace about relationships as well:

"when you're friends, stay put. So what if it's not all moonlight and roses? what is? Stay put because if you don't, you'll spend the rest of your life looking to find each other in the face of strangers.'

i'm bored...

'to be bored is to turn down cold whatever life happens to be offering you at the moment. it is to cast a jaundiced eye at life in general including most of the all your own life. you feel nothing is worth getting excited about because you are yourself not worth getting excited about.

to be bored is a way of making the least of the things you often have a sneaking suspicion you need the most.

to be bored to death is a form of suicide.'

buechner.


but how do i not be bored?

it seems like the only time when i'm not really bored is when i'm suffering or anxious or worried or heavy-laden...but i don't want to always feel like that...who would?