on this wicked search for God and truth and value it usually seems like nothing comes and everything is without answer or substantial meaning.
death is random and possibly terrible.
love is uncertain.
time has sharp teeth that ravenously crave our existence.
emotions are unsettling
and the future deserves a punch in the face for being so damn elusive.
everything is elusive and unpredictable.

how the hell do we get up in the morning?
how the hell do we ever know we're worth something?
what means anything if everything i feel or do can be controlled by my mind?

i'm not sure.

but i do know that i am not a robot.
i have meaning because you've given me meaning.

you.

the complexity of our emotions
the depth of your perception
the lust you have for information
and goodness (best of all)
you are my reality
and, at the very least, you are a living example of perfect human love.

i want to make you feel better. i want to see you filled with purpose and passion and i want you to find where your deepest gladness meets the worlds greatest hunger - your calling
(thank you beuchner...)

i will do what it takes to get you there.
i am committed to you.
i am committed to loving you.
i am committed to seeking the best for you before myself.

i love you.

dear Lord, please fix me.

sometimes i feel like the worst kind of person.

i'm not entirely sure how i immersed myself in so much negativity...when did i ever start willing myself into unhappiness? was it recently?

i've taken a great deal of time this school year trying to defeat my defense mechanisms in fear that they were keeping me from truth. but, now that i'm a tad naked in front of the darkest and most daunting mysteries of life, i've nothing with which to cope. i don't understand myself.
i don't understand what's closest to me.
and i'm so used to dysfunction that i think i've developed some kind of subconscious desire to destroy everything good in my life.

and it's strange.
sometimes i feel like two separate people.
it's like being able to climb oustide my skin, see everything that's wrong with the insides, and then be without the capacity to climb back and change things.

selfishness is a trap if i ever saw one.
is there this dreaded point of no return?
is it possible to see the need for change, know the where for the change and have the desire to change, but then not change?

i need positivity as a strength...seems like the only think i feel is the necessity of failure in my life and i hate it more than i can remember loathing anything before it.

i've also noticed the correlation between the constant lack of prayer in my day to day and me feeling like this.
God seems to be as far and as completely unsettling as ever - so frustratingly elusive and un-understandable - but i need whatever this communion is that comes from prayer. i need it.
and i also need to understand that death is not the ultimate end.

and i also need to understand that this is a snapshot of my life.
this is not who i'll always be.
this is not how i'll always feel.

i cannot, cannot, cannot seem to let go of 'what if'

i've seemed to've convinced myself that every bad thing that can happen will happen to me.

and it's just not true.
it's just not.

no-skip playlist...songs i love for no good reason

(possibly) unnecessary disclaimer:
i refuse to offer explanations. there is no rhyme nor reason. neither song structure, nor lyric, nor talent of the artist were considered for this list...these are the songs i can think of with which I've formed an inexplicable emotional attachment.

i love them. i could listen to them over and over. they make me pay attention and sigh with relief. that's all.

it is also not finite. i'm sure i'm missing some essentials.


The Predatory Wasp of the Palisades is out to get Us, Sufjan Stevens
Tiny Vessels, Death Cab for Cutie
Strawberry Fields Forever, Beatles
C Minor, mewithoutYou
Messes of Men, mewithoutYou
Delicate, Damien Rice
Needle in the Hay, Elliott Smith
Let's Get it On, Marvin Gaye
Single File, Elliott Smith
Limousine, Brand New
Disaster Tourism, mewithoutYou
The Soviet, mewithoutYou
Jealous Kind, Jars of Clay
Fanny (Be Tender), Bee Gees
Songbird, Bee Gees
Get Down Jam, Nate Henricks
Stoppin the Love - KT Tunstall
Crazy Times, Jars of Clay
One Headlight, Wallflowers
Who You Are, girls in diners
Great Expectations, Steven Curtis Chapman
Brushfire Fairytales, Jack Johnson
You Know Where I'll Be, Matthew "Conrad" Good

i often wonder why i tend to bend over backwards for those who care the least about me.



perhaps it's the thrill of the catch. once i have your approval, i've no use for you.


and now that that's out, it can be fixed.

"my heart is afraid that it will have to suffer, " the boy told the alchemist one night as they looked up at the moonless sky.
"Tell your heart that the fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself..."

+++

i realized today that everything i've ever prayed for authentically and with earnest desire has been granted. i am lucky.

but i think that's how it's supposed to work.