i'm so fucking scared of everything...

and i'm sick of it.

vanity all around!

and i realize that all i really want is to be recognized. maybe that's what we all really want:
to be acknowledged for our potential for greatness and goodness.

i want you to read my blog and tell me how smart you think i am.
i want you to listen to my music and tell me how great you think i am.
and if i don't get that affirmation, i will automatically assume that i am nothing.

well. here's to the power and wholeness of Christ who is the ultimate affirmation. our existence, or abilities and everything we do means something because of that. and that is enough.

so it's kind of bullshit that that's so hard to internalize, huh.
well, it can't be impossible.

it's seems as if my thought process has gone through a sort of transformation this year. here's what it looks like:

before the shit:
- my world revolved around pursuing my future for my pleasure and fulfillment, with the illusion of safety and security all around me. i didn't need to worry about death, because it wasn't going to happen to me. i didn't need to worry about the suffering of others, because it wasn't real. people were dying, but not really. don't get me wrong. i understand death. i know i will die. but isn't really a part of my worldview right now. i've too much to do for myself before i die.

during the shit:
- my world is very small. i am very small. people are dying because they don't have the scraps i throw away after dinner. a child just died from hunger. another child just died from hunger. another one. and another...death is real. i will die. i really will. and i might die horribly. i am the girl who was just killed in a car wreck. i was the child who just died from cancer. i am the old woman who has no meaningful conception of her surroundings and no real mental capacity as she waits to die in a nursing home. there is nothing that separates me from this. i am very scared. i can't believe i've been so blind to all of this. how could i live in such ignorance? how could my defense mechanisms lead me to such disillusionment? now i can't trust anyone. i can't trust myself. i might die driving to work. i might die. i might die.

following the shit:
- my world is very beautiful. there is a lot, a lot of bad stuff that goes on and that happens to people, but there is life to be lived despite that. suffering has purpose. death has purpose. despair is essential to seeing the beauty of the redemption. i am now aware that bad stuff really does happen, but i no longer need to live within the illusion of safety i once did. i can accept the reality of death, and i can live despite it, not intentionally ignorant to it.

and, most importantly, my world must revolve around others. this life i've got isn't all about me, mine, my. it is not my sole purpose to get married, have children and have a good job. that may be some of it...but my life is nothing if i'm not first and foremost a servant. nothing matters outside of that. this means that if i'm ever in the situation to give my life for a stranger, i need to. if i'm ever in a situation where i can chose to buy something for myself, or buy something for someone in need, i need to buy for someone in need. it's not my prerogative to be comfortable. it's not my prerogative to be successful...and it's not my prerogative to be rich in anything but wisdom and truth.

my life can't be lived for me anymore.

current thoughts:
i'm sure there's room for a more balanced outlook to develop. afterall, i can't simply dismiss all the desires of the heart. self-interest isn't necessarily selfish.

but i like where this outlook is headed.

so who the hell are you living your life for?