no.

where is this coming from? why do i feel so inadequate? it’s completely self-inflicted and completely uninfluenced by any outside criticism. well, almost.

right now it’s because i feel like i annoy people when i make observations about things or when i contribute to group discussion…at least here. i sub-consciously suspect that the group, the leaders especially, are growing weary of me…but i think i always approach relationships with people i’m really interested in getting to know – people i respect and look up to – with the assumption that there will come a point when they realize i’m not what they thought and they just won’t care anymore. it’s a complacency worse than rejection.

most of the time i imagine it. right now, i’m making it worse than it is, but that’s mostly because i have such a low opinion of myself and i don’t know why.

i can take care of my things, you know. i know you’re just trying to help but sometimes i want to crawl into a hole when you imply that i can’t take care of myself. i think that’s mainly because this is a weakness i already know i have and work to fix, and it’s painful when it’s reinforced by the person who’s opinion i hold in the highest esteem.

then i felt the pang of jealousy in the mention of a name belonging to a person i can’t help but compare myself too, even though i don’t even know them. it’s so silly, but there’s this underlying fear that you’ll meet and fall in love with someone better. someone more stable, someone better with people. someone nicer, kinder, more understanding, less manipulative and with better taste in music…someone more sophisticated, more interesting, less needy, funnier. better.

what hurts me more than fearing you finding a more suitable or wonderful match is the acknowledgment that i actually believe all those terrible things about myself - i really believe i don't have the qualities listed above. maybe i just don't want to see that i do because being insecure is a lot easier than confidence, especially when i'm not emotionally inclined to confidence....i have complete and total faith in my inadequacy…and i'm struggling with how to turn this into something good.