dear Lord, please fix me.

sometimes i feel like the worst kind of person.

i'm not entirely sure how i immersed myself in so much negativity...when did i ever start willing myself into unhappiness? was it recently?

i've taken a great deal of time this school year trying to defeat my defense mechanisms in fear that they were keeping me from truth. but, now that i'm a tad naked in front of the darkest and most daunting mysteries of life, i've nothing with which to cope. i don't understand myself.
i don't understand what's closest to me.
and i'm so used to dysfunction that i think i've developed some kind of subconscious desire to destroy everything good in my life.

and it's strange.
sometimes i feel like two separate people.
it's like being able to climb oustide my skin, see everything that's wrong with the insides, and then be without the capacity to climb back and change things.

selfishness is a trap if i ever saw one.
is there this dreaded point of no return?
is it possible to see the need for change, know the where for the change and have the desire to change, but then not change?

i need positivity as a strength...seems like the only think i feel is the necessity of failure in my life and i hate it more than i can remember loathing anything before it.

i've also noticed the correlation between the constant lack of prayer in my day to day and me feeling like this.
God seems to be as far and as completely unsettling as ever - so frustratingly elusive and un-understandable - but i need whatever this communion is that comes from prayer. i need it.
and i also need to understand that death is not the ultimate end.

and i also need to understand that this is a snapshot of my life.
this is not who i'll always be.
this is not how i'll always feel.