i'm attempting to let it sink in that every minute i've got has to be worth something...that doesn't mean it has to be productive...just meaningful. I waste tons of hours, especially at work, wishing my time away, expecting to just get through until the next big event i'm looking forward to...
those big events don't really mean anything. I mean, they're nice and all...and it's nice to have something to look forward to. But i'm nothing if i'm not somehow content with every moment of my very unpredictable life.
So how do i live knowing that any moment, even those really crappy, boring ones, could be my definitive ending one?
so now my life can't be hinged on the next time i'm going to see chase. or my friends. or going to africa. my life is right freaking now. ..and i will try to not take you for granted, breath...and i will love the now more than (or maybe just as much as) the when.
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how do i love and fully appreciate life without hating, dreading and fearing the hell out of death? i'm struggling to find motivation to really be alive without the urgency and anxiety of mortality always creeping up my spine. everyone's paradox, i suppose.
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i don't care about you.
i don't really care about myself, either. i just want to feed my impulses, and i'll put anyone out in the process.
i also want more than anything to be better than you. and i will secretly rejoice in your downfalls.
i hate this.
but i'm trapped inside it.
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the goal of my life is no longer to be the best and most prestigious at what i'm doing...it's now to contribute to the authenticity and growth of whatever community or subject i'm passionate about. there doesn't have to be a best. why does there ever have to be a best? why do i have to be the best?
rather than existing to be the best i can exist to foster a community of authenticity and wholeness...and i can accept my faults. and i can be okay when others are much better than me at things.
so maybe, once i've created something or thought of something or stumbled upon something, i can consider it's impact on the community, rather than it's impact on my reputation.
this will take a long time to live by.
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frederick buechner is incredible:
"Jesus said, 'i am the way, the truth and the life; no one comes to the father, but by me" (john 14:6). He didn't say that any particular ethic, doctrine, or religion was the way, the truth and the life. He said that he was. He didn't say that it was by believing or doing anything in particular that you could 'come to the father.' He said that it was only by him - by living participating in, being caught up by, the way of life that he embodied. THat was his way.
Thus it is possible to be on Christ's way and with his mark upon you without ever having heard of Christ, and for that reason to be on your way to God though maybe you don't even believe in God.
A Christian is one who is on the way, though not necessarily very far along it, and who has at least some dim and halfbaked idea of whom to thank..."
welcome to the real Jesus, friends.
Christ is everything that is living, authentic, wise and humble.
Christ is every last bit of thing inside you that screams for the good.
Christ is the acceptance, the adequacy and the love that we all crave...
why do we dread him and, at best, make him a chore of obligation?
let's open the damn box we've put him in and start being alive, okay? okay.
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More greatness from literature:
"...Then comes the fourth obstacle: the fear of realizing the dream for which we fought all our lives.
Oscar Wilde said: 'Each man kills the thing he loves.' And it's true. The mere possibility of getting what we want fills the soul of the ordinary person with guilt. We look around at all those who have failed to get what they want and feel that we do not deserve to get what we want either. We forget about all the obstacles we overcame, all the suffering we endured, all the things we had to give up in order to get this far...
This is the most dangerous of the obstacles because it has a kind of saintly aura about it: renouncing joy and conquest. But if you believe yourself worthy of the thing you fought so hard to get, then you become an instrument of God, you help the Soul of the World, and you understand why you are here. "
Thank you, Paulo Coelho (from the introduction to the The Alchemist) for tearing apart everything guilty and negative about my worldview.
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God, just help me be alive.
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1 comment:
i have no idea how i stumbled across your blog, but this post came up in a search i was doing and it really said some things that made me think.
i realized, as of late, that i spend most of my time thinking about the things i wish i had, or where i messed up, or trying to be excited for the next show or next time someone i know will be in town. in the mean time, i'm wasting away days that i should be spending with family and friends, and living to the fullest. not thinking about the things i wish i could do, but actually doing them. i'm afraid i won't ever get out of this lump, and then it will all be over.
the other thing, 'each man kills the thing he loves'. that is so true! i have such a fear of enjoying the things god gives me, that i do feel guilty when things are good, and then i turn them into bad. someone told me my problem is that i have to learn to love myself, and that's just what that quote said. when we realize our worth and that it's ok to receive good things, only then will we be able to mature.
thanks for this wonderful blog. i hope you are taking steps to enjoy each day, boring or not. :)
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